Memories of Holger

Originally posted on Facebook with a  little compilation of photos.

Holger, my (step) Dad, unexpectedly passed away in 2009 on March 6th, just one day after my mom's 60th birthday, two days after my
32nd birthday and just over a week after Coen was born. Holger's son, my (half)Brother Johannes, was only weeks away from graduating from high school.
It was -and still is- breathtakingly tragic.

One small blessing was this amazing event that I'll cherish forever:

Because Holger died late at night and because my mom knows that sleep is precious when you have a newborn, she decided to wait until morning to call and tell us. I think it was around 9:30 am.

Understandably we spent the day in a state of shock but of course we also still had to do our best to care of baby Coen. Jon and I just moved around the house, muttering in disbelief when at one point, maybe around 10:30, Coen became unusually fussy. Granted, he was only 10 days old, but he hadn't been much of a fussy crier, so it kind of shook Jon and I out of our stupor.

I was holding him, and as all new parents do, tried anything I could think of to soothe him. Swaying, rocking, patting, feeding - nothing helped. Tired, I sat down on the sofa and was immediately slapped by the sad realization that the last time we had seen Holger was just a week before Coen's birth and he had sat in that very same spot, on the far left side of the sofa.

A new wave of grief rolled towards me but was stopped cold just before it crashed over me; partly because I didn't want to lose it with Coen in my arms, but also because my attention got caught on something else. Actually, what I had become aware of wasn't something - it was the lack of something. 

For as soon as I had sat down, Coen ceased his discontented crying. I looked down to see him looking upwards, not at me but above his head, towards the lamp on the side table next to us. And he was cooing.

I blinked hard. Something felt different. I looked at Jon who was standing across from me in the doorway to the hall. He just stood there looking in my general direction. No one spoke and the room was silent except for an occasional sweet gurgle or sigh from Coen.

I looked at the lamp; it was a  Prairie style design with a dark oiled brass base and a lovely golden amber shade made out of mica. The room was lit just enough by the mid-morning winter sun and I don't recall if the lamp was turned on or maybe just dimmed.

A rush of blood filled my ears and I mentally shamed myself for being so ridiculous as I thought, "Holger, why are you in the lamp?"

It was clear that something was happening, not to me, but so very near me. My heart leapt, cautiously, for fear of being scolded again by my inner-critic, as I pondered what Holger was sharing with Coen. I mean of course if -IF- I wasn't losing my mind and what my heart was telling me was true: that the intense energy I was feeling around me, though mostly from the lamp, was in fact Coen's dear "Guapa" (the version of Grandpa which Coen's older cousin had created) making a special visit to see his new Grandson.

My brain and heart raced. Could this be? Or am I just imagining something I was only beginning to grasp would now never take place? With a glimmer of hope that I really was witnessing a supernatural interaction between the brand new life in my arms and an angel of heaven, I forced myself to stop analyzing and just be present.

The whole thing lasted maybe 5 minutes, probably much less. My gut feeling is that Holger introduced himself, made silly sounds and played with Coen's belly and stroked his cheek before saying some sort of prayer, blessing or promise to watch over my little boy. 

Ultimately I'm cannot be sure of what Holger said or did while he interacted with Coen. I can't know what he looked like or what form he took, if any at all. And I'm sad I'll never know for sure if Coen remembers this miraculous experience of his own account or only what we've told him.

But I am absolutely positive that it did happen. Holger was there. My deepest, truest Self knows this.

Plus, I have proof:
Remember how I said Jon was in the room right across from where I was sitting with Coen and that it was completely quiet? Neither of us said a single word until after I felt the presence leave. In that same moment Coen started to cry and I looked at Jon without any explanation and asked, "Did that just happen?"

And Jon replied, "Why was he in the lamp?"

Romance!

If your relationship is lacking in intimacy lately, here's a great example of how to get out of your rut. My friend Jon Bradbury wrote this post *on his own, of his own accord* to his lovely new wife today.

I bought the ring one year after our first date. An October wedding was plan C. The country club was plan B and plan A was marrying her a long time ago. Pretty much from the first moments of our first date!
—  with Allison Uhl

This guy gets it in a way that, sadly, I think too many people don't. "It" is the act of creating romance. Sunsets are nice, but the sun ain't setting to make your special someone feel love and connection. That part is up to you.

This isn't about flirting or trying to get "business time" started. It's about keeping the butterflies, that spark when you touch hands unexpectedly, it's about tending that relationship garden.

Don't give me some lame "but I don't know how" - there's a lot you didn't know how to do until you learned it. And forget "I don't do stuff like that" - that crap ain't gonna fly. Fact is, you want this kind of heartwarming affection from your special someone too!

But I know this won't be the last time my friend makes this kind of romantic gesture because he understands that she's worth it and their relationship is worth it. Can't start a fire without a spark, y'all.

It doesn't have to be a facebook post, though we do live in modern times and use modern methods of communication, so it's definitely not a bad option.

One idea I suggest is that you watch The Notebook and write down all of the words that come bursting from your heart. Then later, when you feel like expressing some genuine feelings, grab your notes and pick one to share. Write it on plain old lined paper, fold it up like you used to in school and discretely pass it under the dinner table. Send flowers to the office but make sure the note was hand written by you. Send a postcard to your own house if they get the mail. Pick some random date of the year and make it your "Just because I love you" day and organize a day of doing their favorite things and make sure you keep doing it annually.

Thank you Jon for helping me with a point I've been trying to make. And anyone who takes this guidance and applies it, you're sincerely welcome :)

I mean, let's stop allowing the long held fantasy that marriage should be basically wonderful if you're with the right person. The truth is that those marriages that look so perfect and easy probably actually fall into one of these categories:
The couple can put on a really good show.
The couple happens to fall into the micro-fraction sized group of people whose marriage actually is somehow, magically easy.
They have worked their butts off to keep the love alive, often more than once throughout the course of their relationship.

Look at how hard it is for you (any "you") just to have a healthy and positive relationship WITH YOURSELF. Or with your coworkers. Or parents. Etc, etc.

Then add another equally complex human being to the mix, with whom you now have to navigate all of the same wonderful, crazy-making, crappy, awesome stuff that is life.

Isn't the whole point of being in a committed relationship so neither of you have to go through all that alone?

The ol' standard marriage vows are too easily set aside as cliche. Old words that sound biblical but don't really apply anymore.

But take another look (yes, take the gender specific aspects out) and who doesn't deeply desire to be honored and cherished? To be held and know kept safe within another person's heart?

Those things don't happen all on their own from nothing. If you want to feel loved, you can't just sit there and sulk. You can take some initiative and change the way you see your special someone, change how you perceive their actions, change your own actions and how you perceive yourself.

"Love" as a feeling is fleeting. But to choose to love as an action, as something you DO, that is when the real magic happens.

That love feeling is wonderful but it's purely chemical. It has little value in the long run. You nor your special someone did anything to make that love feeling happen. You didn't earn it, create it. And neither of you made or let it die. That love feeling is just the matchstick getting lit but you've (each of you) got to chop the wood, fan the flames and sit downwind of smoke sometimes if you want the fire to keep going.

A gentle nudge

My response to a woman who was very anxious about possibly sending her previously homeschooled son with SPD to a charter Waldorf.

I completely understand your apprehension. I mean, who wants to see their child feel rejected by an entire school? It would be heartbreaking to say the least!
However, if i may be a bit forward with you, I'd like to gently point to the equally possible outcome of your son finding a wonderful home away from home where he might just grow and develop and adapt in ways that astonish you. (Btw, I'm not anti-homeschooling in the slightest and while I wholeheartedly love the Waldorf way, my child isn't in one nor am I saying the school or his experience will definitely be perfect.?
In fact, the transition might be very bumpy for him (and you!), but I bet he's a resilient kid and also, life is bumpy, and there's no time like the present to learn that. You can take comfort in knowing that he will learn that you (and hopefully the school) support, cheer and soothe him. When we are able to let them learn to trust themselves, they also learn to trust us more deeply.
It's hard for me to do it, but I have to remind myself that we all learn best by trial and error. 
Not to mention the potential for a great community for you to find likeminded individuals who can support you!

I hope my comment comes across as kind as that is how it's meant.

Deep breath, onwards and upwards!

Acceptance

An important reminder to myself and my friends:
Reality is a million times easier to handle and even enjoy when you choose to live with a spirit of acceptance of what *is.*

Even if a situation itself isn't okay, you can choose to be okay with it. But just wishing your life were different or getting stuck on blaming the who or why it sucks changes nothing; it only creates useless feelings of discontent and suffering.

Dreams are nice and the cam be useful as a point to work towards, but real life can be so much more than something to escape if we instead choose live into the here and now instead of working so hard to avoid, reject or wish it away.

In order to move towards the life you of your dreams (and feel content and grateful with what you have now), it's important to understand how and why you got to here and now (not to blame but to learn from history and forgive).
None of this are possible without  dedicated time and action to take a gentle, honest look at your life. This is not to find fault or judge anyone or anything (including/especially yourself!). The goal is to assess and acknowledge your complete current state, inwards and outwards, mentally, physically, emotionally, situationally, financially and relationally.

You can't get anywhere if you don't know where you're starting from. You can't get what you want/need if you don't know what you have.

Life is hard, unfair and sometimes heartbreaking, but that doesn't have to ruin everything. When you spend your time and energy avoiding, rejecting and assigning blame and judgement for the bad, you're probably also missing all of the wonderful gifts and miracles.

Don't rob yourself of joy, wonder and delight! Instead, do what you can when you can to spread those gifts! And when you're suffering, you don't have to sulk all alone, go ask for what you need. Trust that you're not alone and that your humble openness is the best way to see and receive the abundant love and support you seek.

"Vita Abundantior!" School motto of my alma mater, Randolph Macon Woman's College

Good stuff

Jon and I recently had one of those awesome conversations that was full of deep wonder, big questions and open hearts. (It's hard to find the space for those moments as an adult, isn't it?)

Anyway, our final conclusion, which we reached independently but at the same time, was that the biggest challenge and highest goal to have in life is strike that balance between being content but not complacent.

Letter to Kiffy

http://www.kiffy.fr/index.php?lang=en_US

Bon Jour,
I live in USA and I am very interested in your tricycle products. Do you plan on selling them here? If yes, when and how?

I also have a question that I hope may inspire a third product option: is it possible to add battery powered electric pedal assist to either of your tricycles?

I am only 37 years old and am relatively fit but I have a health problem that causes fatigue and pain in my joints (it's not arthritis but a genetic disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility). I don't need a wheelchair (hopefully never!) but my search for an urban transportation alternative has been frustrating.  I've found my options fall in only two categories: products for sport (electric bicycles or toy electric scooters) or products for very old people (electric wheelchairs or traditional adult tricyles).  It also means I have to choose between something I can only ride outside or something that can only be used indoors (like a shopping mall).

That's why I'm so excited about your tricycles - they have many of the features I desire:
Three wheels, comfortable ride, compact, lightweight, modern styling and a useful rack. Adding a little electric power would make it perfect!

I look forward to your answers!

Sincerely, Kate

Letter to URB-E

http://urb-e.com/

Hello Super Awesome Inventor People!

I am in total love with your products and if my lifestyle was like the one in the video, I'd love to be the first person in Atlanta (well, it's shoulder rubbing neighbor, Decatur) to have one. But there's one small (?) problem: while the URB-E has 99% of what I need -electric power, three wheels, comfortable ride, compact, lightweight, modern styling and a useful rack- it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi, a bit more susbstance or stability, or at least that's the case for me anyway.

Here's why:
I am only 37 years old and am relatively fit but I have a health problem that causes fatigue and pain in my joints (it's not arthritis but a genetic disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility). I don't need a wheelchair (hopefully never!) but my search for a transportation alternative has been frustrating.

So far I've found my options fall in only two categories: products for sport (electric bicycles or toy electric scooters) or products for the senior citizen set (electric wheelchairs or traditional adult tricyles). Essentially I'm left with having to choose either an unwieldy electric bicycle, which lacks versatility and the stability of a trike, or a geriatric Hooveround type thing, not to mention those also force me to choose between indoor or outdoor use.

What I want/need is something that I can use to zip through my neighborhood to pick my 5 year old son up from school, go along on walks with my husband and son, take to a mall, airport or theme park and maybe even be able to attach a larger basket or a small cargo trailer (like a proportionately sized version of the Burley flatbed trailer).

That's why I want everything the URB-E products already have, just MORE:  larger, more rugged tires, an even longer, wider base and a handle bar that offers greater control.

Please know I do understand why y'all made the choices you did to make the current URB-Es the way you did based on where you saw a need, and like I said, it's perfect in that application; and this is exactly why I'm telling you all about my need for a pre-mobility/eco/urban neighborhood walking/kid-towing/grocery/mall/flea market shopping/state fair/university campus/themepark/trail hike/airport/museum transportation alternative. And I know I'm not the only one.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and I genuinely hope to hear back about your plans for URB-E.3!

Sincerely, Kate

"What does authenticity mean to you?"

Question posed by friend Krista Dickan on FB. Here's my response:

Feeling genuinely content, confident and comfortable with yourself. You are being authentic and living authentically when your positive feelings about yourself don't waver (or not much) even when you or your life aren't "perfect."

I've been working on loving myself even when I have done something or found myself in a position I don't like, such as failing to meet some standard as well as the feeling of failure that comes when I realize I'm criticizing myself for the initial "failure."

I start wherever I find myself in that spiral of negativity and go backwards from there, offering gentle, loving and self soothing words/actions to undo the painful knots I frequently (though lately less and less) twist myself into.

I even chuckle to myself sometimes because it's just one of those silly (NOT bad) things we humans do. It's like a Greek comedy!

I think being authentic allows (requires?) for this kind of "both/and" mindset. I personally don't think it's possible or reasonable to expect that I'll never disappoint myself or be disappointed with a situation, but I can definitely be kind to myself and others about it :)

(Note: I say this in direct contrast to manufactured feelings of pride, happiness or anything that comes from a need to compensate for one's deeper rooted fear, emptiness or unworthiness.)

Response to "Anyone try Rescue Remedy?"

I love it to take the edge off if I'm stressed or anxious. It's more helpful if you also take a moment to first gently check in with yourself to discover and acknowledge what is causing your distress.  I often realize that there's some emotion, personal truth or difficulty I've been trying to avoid. A therapist once told me: the source of dis-ease comes from rejecting reality. In other words, when we stay stuck in wishing things were different or that we were different, we are actually not only trying to block out the unwanted things (which is futile) and actually create a real block that keeps us from what we *do* want.
By taking an honest (not harshly but with love towards self) look at where and who we actually currently are, and accepting that, we are then free to move on. (Note: there's a big difference between saying, "It's Okay" and "I'm okay with it." The situation you face may not be okay. Life sucks sometimes. But you can choose to find a way to be okay anyway.)

I also love to do some intentional grounding and/or centering. If I'm totally overwhelmed, I'll even start by listing the factual things around me: My feet are cold, the walls are blue, the chair is hard, etc.
Which, if I may get on my soapbox, is a most excellent way to find peace even if it's not peaceful around you.
Take care!

Fat Girls

This. This is one of the most real, honest and therefore beautiful things I've ever seen.
Watch it.
And then read the interview with Sarah Baker, below the transcript of the scene. Sarah clearly put her whole self into playing Vanessa opposite of Louie, who deserves major huge kudos as well. But you'll have to watch and read see why.

I have more commentary posted below, but first:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/watch-this-beautifully-honest-scene-about-fat-girls-from-lou?s=mobile

So is your heart opened up? Did you identify with her? With him? Did you learn something? Or did you feel overwhelmed by hearing your heart spilling out of her mouth?
Because this honesty, this truth actually applies to each of us. We all have that something that makes us fell "less than."
This scene speaks for every single person - because we are, essentially, all the same with the same needs, dreams and desires.
But wait. Before you react to what I just said. Read the rest of my little soapbox commentary.
I don't want to take away even a single bit of the importance of this for those who identify themselves as a "fat girl."

My reason for posting this link is fully informed by my love of humans. Like, I'm in love with humans. I may not *like* everyone, but I've always had a deep and abiding love for all people. I was born this way and I'm grateful for this gift from God. It's one of the things about myself that I love the most.
Ok now I sound like I'm tooting my own horn. But my point here is that this love means my empathy for others is genuine. This post is my love song for the "fat girls." I hope people reading this understand.

If this scene were about me, my version would be about my scars, health issues/physical limitations and depression. I am so grateful for my husband who loves me, not despite and also not because of, but just all of me, as I am. I am still often in awe that he wants to hold my hand, especially since my hospitalization and the subsequent effects on how I look and function. (Watch the video before you comment on here. And please PLEASE don't offer platitudes. I don't look the same as I did. It's not horrible but it's also not great. It sucks but I'm okay with it most of the time. I usually prefer honesty versus kind but not totally true consolation. At the same time I also realize that people are just wanting to show me love and support, which is lovely. I just also want those close to me to know I can handle gentle truth - it's actually pretty affirming to have my [relatively minor, but still real] struggle acknowledged.)
But even with all that said, I realize that the fact that I'm thin still gives me a totally unfair advantage and, because my thinness is largely due to my genetic makeup and NOT because I work hard to be fit, that advantage is completely undeserved.

I'm sorry it's like this. No, not for everyone, not for every "fat girl," but for way too many. I'm sorry that as humans we haven't risen above this kind of pitiful, closed-minded, closed-hearted, unthinking and superficial method of assessing other people's value or worthiness.

I'm ashamed of when I've been guilty of doing it. I know it sucks because it's been used against me.

I'm sorry. I love you.

I love Jimmy

I believe this is a "both/and" situation.
While I do agree that the bible itself is already skewed to make it easy to control and keep females down, it's still possible to interpret it with a loving heart.
I'd like to point out, maybe even brag, that my mom goes to places like Uganda to teach how the bible actually promotes equality between men and women. And in doing so, she (and others in their organization called Life Together) hopes to lift women out from under the crushing rock of oppression as well as end the practice of female genital mutilation.

Oligarchy

If you have any interest in, regard for or even a mild sense of duty as a citizen of the U.S. to know and understand how our government operates, I strongly recommend you read this article. We are on a path towards total collapse; indeed, I could argue that in many ways the government is already a shambles (and has been for a very long time), and the destructive effects on the greater population are already obvious to anyone who cares to LOOK.
This is *not* a Red vs Blue, Left vs Right, Democrat vs Republican thing. In fact, the parties have largely been boiled down to side show acts, which the media circus happily uses to distract, divide and divert the population's attention away from the  real power players.
Read the article. Its not about opinion or gut feelings, this is a breakdown of long term, well organized research which clearly shows the ever-growing divide between our perception of the government and the reality of who actually rules our country and why. And I know this isn't happening only a federal level, it also affects state and even local politics.
Like I said, this country's political system is on the verge of total collapse, BUT! But we might still have a chance to steer the collapse. The way I see it, it's going to either be like the French Revolution or the Fall of Rome/Egypt/Greece (your pick) OR a world of total submission to our corporate overlords by allowing them to continue to further sedate us by pandering to our lowest human desires, food, sex, vanity, comfort and materialistic groveling.
As for me, I choose LIBERTY, FRATERNITY AND EQUALITY.

Good Question

http://www.slate.com/blogs/quora/2014/02/06/how_do_german_students_learn_about_the_holocaust.html

I have been asked many times about this because I went to German schools (in Stuttgart, Germany) from the ages 12-17. I would say her account is pretty standard for most German kids.
I was actually living in Germany when the movie Schindler's List came out and we went on a class trip to see it. I had known about the war (though mostly in the nostalgic way that I'd seen in old B&W musical movies that were made to be uplifting to the war torn people of the time) and I'd read The Diary of Anne Frank but Schindler's List, and especially the girl in the red coat, really opened my eyes.

It made visiting with my German Opa and Oma (grandpa and grandma) feel awkward for a while. I was curious but also afraid to find out their own histories. Had they been Nazis? And what about when we visited my Uropa (great grandpa) that one time? I vaguely recall the story he told about when he was a new soldier; something about not taking his spoon out of his metal coffee cup and therefore not getting any refills in the mess hall. Did he fight? Or was that WWI?
And what about my friends and their parents and grandparents? Were they all Nazis? Were they ashamed or proud? The discussion we must've had after movie couldn't have been very revealing because I don't remember it at all (and despite my youth, I'm the kind of person who would've been paying attention for this kind of thing. Should've been an anthropologist)

I wouldn't say the topic was glossed over or sugar coated but the teacher did tread lightly. Maybe because these are just 7th graders and maybe because it really wasn't so long ago.

I moved back to America in 1994. I was 17 and one year behind in the 11th grade  (bc my 1st school yr in Stuttgart was in a class for just learning German and didn't count as a grade yr).

And I discovered something that has shaped much of my sense of America and my american-ness (as well as the fact that I also consider myself to have a good dose of german-ness). Much like the author of this article, certain topics I'd learned about in elementary school were taught again in high school.

I discovered that the Thanksgiving story* is a crock of beans. I learned about America's own "internment" camps for Japanese Americans. I found out that we had let inflammatory ideologues persecute and murder "witches." I read about pre-union child and generally unsafe (at best) labor practices. And then there's that inconvenient slavery thing...oopsies!
Are you picking up what I'm laying down?

So if you really want to know what Germans think and how they feel about the holocaust, take a trip down our very own memory lane of atrocities. Or just read a current newspaper. We're still pretty damn busy treating "others" like dirt.

Also, just to say for the record: yes, many of the German people were Nazis by choice and they knew not all but a good bit about what was happening to the Jews. But many more (probably most, at first) succumbed to the propaganda about "returning Germany to it's former glory"** but didn't truly comprehend or know about the holocaust. And then there were plenty of "Nazis" who were very much against the whole thing but had no choice but join or watch their families starve.

That concludes today's lecture. Please see me in the comments section of you have any questions.

*that's a gross oversimplification of how our ancestors nearly decimated an entire people

**sound familiar? Like kinda very much exactly like Teapublican "take our country back!" Just saying...

Traveling with a Toddler Tips!

I've already written here about traveling with a small baby, which is so not the same as with a toddler. In fact,babies are SO much easier than toddlers because they will sleep most of the time and usually won't be fussy unless they're sick or you didn't put in the numbing ear drops like I told you.

So here are my tips for flying with the little adorable tyrants we call toddlers. (I'm writing this using voice to text, so if any of this comes out weird um or does make sense just let me know.)

Okay so the number 1 most important in my opinion is Numbing Ear Drops. Either go to a natural food store or get a prescription from your doctor for your numbing drops. They're what you would put in your child's esr to soothe ear infection pain. You put the drops into the child's ears when you're at the gate waiting to board. Be prepared with plenty of napkins to get the greasy drops that escape and to hold your hand over each ear to gently rub them so the drops really get in there. They help with the ear pressure pain.

Of course, you can also be armed with something for the kid to suck on, like a lollipop or bottle when the plane is going up and later starts to descend. The drops I use last over two hours so there's no need to put more in unless you're on a long flight.

2) To bring a car seat or not - that is the question. Well, and the other question is whether or not to bring a stroller. Both of these have a lot of things depending on them: will you need either of them where you're going? If not, then the car seat can definitely be left at home. It's heavy and not necessary to bring on the plane.

In fact, oddly, as far as safety regulations are concerned, you're better off NOT bringing the car seat onto the plane with you. I'm not against it, I'm just letting you know it may not even be allowed unless it's been approved. For example, most backless booster seats are NOT allowed on the plane.

Also, they're a huge PITA to get clipped into the seat. You'll probably need a seat belt extender, which the flight attendants are always annoyed to have to bring to you. Or, as it happened to us once, we boarded early with the "special assistance" crowd and immediately asked for an extender specifically because it takes so dang long to install the seat. But the flight attendant ignored our please and didn't bring the extender until everyone else boarded so then we got threatened with getting thrown off the plane because the seat wasn't installed yet.

Anyway, here's the thing: if your child doesn't hate their seat and has a tendency to fall asleep in it, then it may be worth bringing it. But, if the kid doesn't sleep, then all the hassle will be in vain PLUS you'll have a harder time keeping your precious little offspring from kicking the back of the seat in front of them (because their feet are closer to it in the seat).

Not to worry if you will need the seat where you're going but don't want to use it in the plane! Double checkwith your airline to be sure but as far as I know, they will check the car seat with the rest of the luggage for NO COST. There are covers/carriers you can buy but they're expensive. You can ask if they have a large plastic bag to wrap it in, especially if the weather at your destination is wet, because it gets thrown around with all the other suitcases. But the ticket people don't always have them or they charge you $5, so I pack two huge, heavy duty garbage bag - one for each way, because they never survive the trip fully in tact.

Okay, and now for the stroller - this is some I suggest you DO bring. It's a lifesaver when you're running to your gate with your child who must get stuck in some time-slowing warp whenever you're in a rush. Plus you've brought along a sizeable portion of everything you own in as many bags and purses as you can justify (of course my 3 year old daughter has a hiking backpack full of shoes AND an oversized purse with a laptop in it!).

The stroller is only annoying when you're going through security as most times they'll make you unload the aforementioned crap, and the kid, and clap it down for going through the x-ray machine. Just be sure to bring one that folds and opens easily and has a basket storage thing on the bottom.

Note: if you have hung any purses, computer cases, etc on the back of the stroller, it is not advisable to let the kid just jump out of the stroller because then your hanging items will be making contact with the floor in a swift and loud manner.

When you get to the gate, ask the desk person for a baggage ticket and then you'll just leave the stroller (folded up and with nothing important in it) at the bottom of the jetway. It'll magically reappear in the same place at your destination.

3) The dreaded security check becomes slightly less dreadful if you've brought the stroller because many airports have a separate entry for them! Look for signs pointing to a handicapped/service members/fast access entrance and hopefully a stroller or family line will be there as well.
*Wear shoes you can take off without much effort - your hands will be full.
*Children are no longer required to remove their shoes - so don't.
*Get several bins - and stake out a place on the roller conveyor belt that's at least three bins long.
*Fill the first and last bins right away to mark your territory. If people are glaring at you, say sorry but with a "tough shit" look on your face. Practice that face a lot before the trip - you'll need it.
* Keep your kid IN the stroller until after you've put everything else in the bins. Like strapped in with a chain. This is THE worst place for the kid to run around. But don't wait too long - people will start loading their stuff right behind your bins and then there's no room for the stroller. Tell the poor person behind you that you still need to put the stroller up there.
* Know your stroller! Some strollers are just that much too big to fit int the x-ray machine and you'll need to remove wheels or something to make it fit. Now, it does happen that you get the one helpful TSA agent who lets you bring the stroller with you and just uses the wand thing to check it, but don't count on it. I even was crying once because I was so exasperated and they still made me take the dann thing apart because their machines were crazy small.
*Liquids! You ARE allowed to bring baby and kid related liquids through security. Just be prepared to spend 10 more minutes while they use some contraption that confirms it's milk/juice/pedialyte. Pack these liquids in easily accessible places so they don't have to dig everything out.
*Try your best to take your time getting reorganized after the security debacle. It's worth the time to take a deep breath and confirm everything is where it should be.

4) Food. In case you haven't flown since 1992 and don't know this, they don't give you food in the plane anymore. Well, aside from pretzels or the $6 snack box, which, when not in the air, would only cost $2.34. So I pack plenty of snacks. It's only liquids they're not fond of, so go ahead, make that triple decker club sandwich and bring along those goldfish crackers. Also, food keeps the kid busy or at least not screaming.

5) In Flight Entertainment. For keeping the peace, this is a must! Bring that portable DVD player, three favorite discs and a set of headphones. Bring the lovey or blanket. Bring crayons and coloring books. Bring a LeapPad or Tag Reader. Bring anything you've ever not allowed them to play with. Just don't bring toys that are noisy, have small parts or multiple parts, have wheels or can roll, that is heavy or could cause harm if used as a projectile as a way to inform you they disapprove of your parenting.

You can also use the bathroom as entertainment center. Once your fellow passengers have completed their post-snack cart bathroom break, take a fussy kid in and let them discover the wonders of the lavatory! Tell the flight attendant, who will be reading People magazine in that little fold down chair, to knock if someone needs to use the loo and then go crazy with the toilet seat liners, splash in the water, whatever keeps your kid occupied.

I've regularly killed up to 15 minutes doing this. Just don't drink the water or care what anyone may think. It's that or I release the screaming beast, people!

6) Last but definitely not least, go into the whole thing  with a realistic perspective. Do not for one minute expect your child to not fuss at all. That's crazy. Go easy on the booger and on yourself. You're doing the best you can in an environment that is barely humane  for adults and certainly not for kids.

Use the "Sorry but Tough Shit" look liberallly. You don't have to be a jerk but don't let other people make you anxious about your child. That'll only result in an anxious kid and that never goes well.

If your child does melt down, try not to freak out on him/her. Try to soothe them but while also being firm that acting out isn't okay. Sing in their ear or start reading their favorite book.

Good luck and God Speed!

My belief system, or part of it, in a nutshell

So very true. The widespread condemnation of the poor/undereducated/mentally or physically ill makes my heart sick - and my thoughts angry.
How completely ungrateful or ignorant must a person be to so swiftly and easily judge anyone ANYONE to be less than themselves in value or worthiness?
How broken are our hearts and souls when we, as supposedly the best nation, willfully allow and even CHOOSE to make happen such suffering?
My own failure is that I pray more for the poor than those who reject them. I should pray for the body of the poor but also, if not more, for the hearts and minds of those condemn them.
Am I wrong?
http://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nytimes.com%2F2013%2F11%2F28%2Fopinion%2Fkristof-where-is-the-love.html&h=iAQGvyc4l&s=1&enc=AZMdOmeqbGaAc9DkGnzMM2Jb9lm7wCpR_o9IPHAhw293V59CTwIuo2zKBl10QU0opOw

Response to All Songs Considered question, What is/was your family song?

When I was 7, after my dad left, the songs that define(d) that time for me and my mom were Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper and, later, This One Goes Out to the One I Love by REM.
Then, when my mom became serious with the man she eventually married, the songs were Handle with Care by The Traveling Wilburys and Graceland by Paul Simon (which my sister and I altered to reflect our moving with our Stepdad Holger, "We're goin to Deutschland, Deutschland, Stuttgart, Germany!")

Another response

This is about whether you are betraying the feminist movement by actively rejecting the title of feminist.
I think it's important also to really separate the title "feminist" from the belief set that men and women have equal value.
While I do get annoyed by Katy Perry style statements (saying she does not want to call herself a feminist) because it makes it easy for feminist haters to use that to prove something on their end, I also have to say it's also not totally cool to force people to use a title they're not comfortable with.

Take other titles as an example, such as "gay" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" - plenty of people are gay even if they don't want to use the title to describe themselves. And there's also toms of people who intentionally avoid using bf and gf.
Granted, one huge reason people don't wear a big "I'm gay!" sign is because of fear, just as is the case with making a relationship "official" with titles. And that's fine. But it also doesn't essentially change who/what they are.

The word feminist is very loaded. It carries weight, both good and bad. It should have negative connotations, but then again, it also shouldn't even have to be a word AT ALL. But it is and it's important.

The word (and the movement that is inherently associated with it) has been around the block a few times, getting stronger and trampled on along the way. All of this has meant we (very collectively speaking) have had to fine-tune it's meaning not only from the people who want to make it a bad word, but also because over time we realized that certain aspects of the word/movement weren't quite what we wanted after all.

So for a young woman today, the word almost presents more hazards than help. Not that it wasn't always that way, but it's just different now. Maybe.

If the point of feminism, ultimately, is for a female to define herself HOWEVER SHE WISHES, then that would also mean she doesn't have to use the word as a title, even if she does believe in the movement.

In response

To someone on FB asking how to know when to say Yes and when to say No:
The answer is always what feels genuine and true for you. It's not the No or Yes that's the point. The point is for you to learn the practice of knowing and being true to yourself. At first that requires somewhat arduous and very deliberate self inventory, and that takes time. So for a while always respond first with, "I need to think about it but I'll get back to you as soon as I can." (Or something along those lines)
Then consider the question at hand ("X") with the following questions: Do I feel inspired to do X? Do I realistically have time to do X? Am I realistically capable/have the skills to do X? Will it cause unnecessary stress to do X? Do I feel obligated? If so, is there a way to manage or adjust my time, the task or the other people involved in a way that will make this as positive as possible?
The trick is to discern between what is likely to cause only stress with little reward and an opportunity which may result in some stress but mostly of the life-expanding challenge kind.
I have fibromyalgia so for me nearly anything that's above and beyond my regular daily justgetthroughtheday stuff. That's why I had to learn this technique. Before, I would say No but to almost anything. Then I realized I was missing out on a lot of life. So then I started saying yes but I overdid it.
This personal questionnaire has really helped me have a better life. Last but not least - decide to be OK with saying No. It really is OKAY and your value as a person is actually increased by respecting your limits and happiness!
Hope that helps!

Voice to Text

Okay, so I haven't posted in forever or with any regularity for years now but I'm thinking maybe if I try this voice to text thing then maybe I will actually get some stuff out. One of the main reasons why I don't blog anymore is because I don't sit in front of a computer all day anymore. Well I kind of do, if you count my cell phone but its hard to type that much on it and so it doesn't really happen. I have lots of drafts of half started posts and that's about it. So you're probably going to see a lot of typos or maybe even sentences that don't make sense and I'm going to apologize in advance for that but I figure at least for me this is better than nothing.

I use to keep a diary almost everyday from when I was about I don't know maybe 10 years old until I was in my early 20's and it was around then that I started blogging and I blogged almost everyday sometimes multiple times a day and it's nice to know that I have that information to look back on for me it's kind of a selfish thing it's nice that I can go back and say oh I forgot about that you know and now there it is I don't have to forget it forever its some it's written down its been put on paper innocence. Um and it makes me really sad that since I stopped blogging regularly several years ago I don't have that I have kept a diary very very loosely and other than that that's it. That is unless you count Facebook as a sort of mini blog and I guess it is, I really s . . hould go through it and pull out the stuff that I really like and want to be able to hold on to . Especially things like places we've been the funny things colon is said oh this is going to be a problem it's going to want to write colon everytime I want to say my sons name! Oh well maybe whoever reads this with who I'm talking about and this is pretty much for me anyway I guess. So I guess to bring things up to date I am now 36 years old Colin um is four and a half and my husband is 33 and we have all been living in the same house in Decatur since 2006.

Just recently some of my old friend from Germany came to visit my friends Dorothy and her husband Peter and their daughters Mia and Ana They were here for two weeks we had a lot of fun doing sightseeing around atlanta as well as in New Orleans and we also went to the beach in Alabama on the Panhandle.

I don't really have a whole lot else other than that to say right now nothing pressing on my mind except that I'm really trying to get into a more creative space I guess this is it away kind of a free writing for me um I'm just I'm really trying to tap into that more regularly I don't want to wait until it comes around I want to find a way to kind of hold it gently so that I can access it more freely and without it may be all the anxiety that I sometimes come to experience with the pressure to somehow perform or do something extraordinary when I really just want to enjoy myself and I create so we'll see dot dot dot

Is it safe to say...

This post was hard to write and I'm unsure about posting it for fear I'll offend in some way. I guess we'll see.

I have been getting some serious procrastination done lately. It's intense. And scary.
It's not the usual kind where you do the laundry to avoid doing the dishes or whatever. This is the mental kind where you fill your immediate brain space to avoid thinking of something you don't want to think about.
In my case I've been playing solitaire to avoid having to consider the complex decision making process of whether or not to adopt. I'm surprised and dismayed even that I'm not as sure about it as I thought I was.

Actually, I am sure about the adoption part. I have wanted to adopt ever since I learned about the dancer, Josephine Baker, who adopted 12 children. I thought, "why make a baby when there are so many babies and kids out there already who need a loving family?". I was probably eight years old at the time and the notion became one of the few concrete dreams/ideals of my childhood I carried into adulthood.
The problem is the actual kid. The second kid. It's one thing to straggle along with one child who, being biological, kind of just "happened" and therefore forces a change. I mean, excepting the son's bouts with severe "threeyearolditis" (aka intensely expressed feelings over mindboggling minutiae), we've really just now gotten things kind of figured out. We all generally know our roles and daily rhythms. A baby, regardless of female of origin, does not fit into what we've pieced together. A baby means starting over almost from scratch, except this time we'll know it's coming.


But in the case of our adoption it's not just mildly insane to actively make the choice to do a lot of work (applications, background checks, home visits, etc) and spend a lot of money (at least $25-30K) to acquire someone else's helpless and crying baby who will, to an unknown degree yet without doubt, cause everything to turn upside-down via sleep deprivation, existing toddler regression and an overall cost and life complication increase.

Still, even with all that I know she's out there. I know our family is short by one. My husband says the same, and that's in spite of his even greater doubts/fears. So my choice is to lean into the feeling of promise I get that speaks of her impending arrival instead of cold, unyielding logic.  As Sister Louisa says, "F*#k fear."