Monday, October 30, 2006

Brave Little Me

I am happy to say that I am really, truly off of my anti-depressant medication! It's been a little over 2 months since I took my last full dose. (you can ask me about what I've taken, if you're curious.)

I was on the meds for at least four years and had decided I needed a change - I was so over the fuzzy world I'd been inhabiting, 'cause you know the meds don't just make the depression go away, it pretty much makes all feelings go away. I was tired of not feeling truly happy. Not to mention that right after I came home from Cape Cod where J proposed, and I was so happy, but I actually felt severely sad. In fact, I was on the verge of tears or crying all the time.

Luckily, with the help of my trusty therapy group, I was able to identify the problem - not J or my engagement to him, but my unresolved issues with my ex-husband. For some reason, I had gotten it into my head that I would have closure once ex-hus called me to apologize and fess up to his wrongdoing (AA's step number 9). I was operating under belief that I deserved this apology and would finally be able to put my experience with ex behind me once I got it. I still believe I deserve it, but my therapist kindly & strongly pointed out that to base my release on on something that only ex can do, is to give him all the power. This equation in my head made it impossible to live my own life, free of him. So I let go of this understandable/silly notion.

Since then, after the annoying withdrawal symptoms finally went away, I've been discovering real life again. FEELINGS! At first, I was mostly feeling anxious and overwhelmed and I was afraid that maybe I still needed to be on the meds. For a couple weeks I lived with the fear of "What if I totally lose it?? In public??"

And then something wonderful happened: J accidentally tickled me one night and I laughed for what seemed to be 10 minutes! It was such a great, hearty, happy, easy laugh, like I had not experienced in YEARS. It was wonderful and so very freeing - what a relief it was! Because of and since this experince, I have been able to face my unmedicated life bravely, instead of in fear.

In other news:
YAY! I got my motorcycle learners permit and I rode the Vespa for the first time to work today and it went really well. I am gaining more and more confidence in myself, though I imagine I'll never really trust all the other car drivers around me, which is probably a good thing.

Woo-hoo! J and I are going to Vegas next week, from Tues thru Sunday. I've never really been before, unless you count the time I drove through on my way back to the east coast from L.A. I'm really looking forward to the trip, eventhough J will be busy with conference stuff a lot of the time.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006