Monday, September 25, 2006


First, if you have not seen Eddie Izzard's "Dress to Kill", you MUST. I'm not saying that in a "you simply must dahling!" way, but rather in a "don' make-a-me hurt you!" way. I say this because otherwise you will never truly appreciate it when I zip by you on my scooter waiving like Ferris Bueller in the Ferriari-fantasy scene saying, "Ciao!"

When J and I were in Savannah recently we rented a scooter and I LOVED IT! I always wanted a Vespa, but never really thought about getting one in a serious way. Now, I am ALL about it. I'm not sure how long it's gonna take to save my pennies up to get one, but I am SO THERE.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Another new day!

Today was kinda sucky cuz I had to work from 8 (A.M.!!!) till 2. Yeah, I know that for most of you that's like a half-day, but J and I are both such night owls and we normally don't get up until 9 (okay 9:30) (fine, 10:00)

So I was pretty grouchy BUT I was there! I got out of bed and didn't call in sick. Alright, so my cell phone was in the other room and I knew if I were to go all the way to the living room to get it, then I'd already wake up anyway and I'd never get back to sleep...but still, I crawled out of bed on my own and went in to work.

Then after my shift, instead of eating at the mall food court, I went home and slurped up some organic butternut squash soup with a side of kimchee. Afterwards, I could have gone to sleep and blown off my first-time meeting with a personal trainer, but no! i took off my pyjama pants, put on my jeans and went.

The amazing-ness didn't stop there: I came home, still feeling cranky becuase of my early day and ever-increasing congestion headache and fixed dinner!

Conclusion: For those of you who know what it's like to be depressed and all that that comes with - you know this was a good day becuase I didn't give up or give in despite the crankiness!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!! (heh, heh! i almost wrote 'upwad')

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


For years now I have been in therapy off and on, starting with my parent's divorce when I was 7. And it was my parent's divorce that I was working on for much of that time until I got married and (very quickly) divorced in 2003/2004.
A lot of my "dealing with it" centered around the devastating effects of my father leaving very abruptly. There was no fighting, nothing being thrown across the room, no punches being thrown - nothing that indicated that my dad was going to leave. And while I'm sure that no matter how he could have left it would have been distressful to me, this way made me grow up with a strong sense of uncertainty in relationships.

This became evident the year I fell in love with Josh. I was on Cape Cod for the summer - we met, fell in love and moved in together between my freshman and sophomore years. Riding down the road in Hyannis in his truck one day I told him, "You know you have my heart." and as soon as those words left my mouth I was suddenly overcome with fear. I looked down to see my hands gripping the seat, as though I was trying not to fly off into space.

When I returned to college that fall, I was a wreck. Within days of my arrival, I was at the doctor's becuase I could not stop crying and feeling panicky. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and I made it (barely) through the year on Prozac and Xanax. The next summer I was back together with Josh and at first things were okay. But as time went on, I became obsessive of where Josh was, when he'd be back and how long it would take. I was driving myself nuts and I was driving Josh away (which, of course, was exactly what I was so afraid of). My emotions were so high and behavior so compulsive, it got the point where the only time I was at ease was when he was asleep!

It was only after serious therapy that I realized that I was acting this way because I was terrified that Josh would leave me one day out of the blue, just like my father did. And still, it took a LONG time to stop living with that fear. Even today I still have a really hard time remaining calm when J goes out with his friends and I want to stay home. And I KNOW he would never leave me or do me wrong - but deep-rooted fears die hard.

But that wasn't the end of my days of therapy. Then I found I had been trying to fill the void my dad left by going out with lots of guys and it took a long time to get out of that pattern as well. And of course there were all of the normal pitfalls and hard lessons learned in the meantime, though for a while there I was doing alright. I wasn't on meds and wasn't seeing a therapist. Was I making bad choices from time to time? Yes. Was I feeling just perfect? No. But I was doing fine.

Then I met C and my whole world went to shit. It was all very fast, the entire relationship, from the day we met to the date of our divorce, was only 21 months. But in that time he managed to destroy me. Granted, I was already somewhat weak, or perhaps I wouldn't have married him in the first place as I would have recognized much earlier how sick he really was. Either way, that was just (just?) 2 years ago now and I am only now (finally) feeling like I may be free of him and what he did to me.

So I've been digging and clawing at all of these past and present hurts, dealing with my parents, dealing with my lack of friends during childhood, dealing with adult love relationships and dealing with my own failed marriage and last week I hit a wall. I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING ANYMORE!! I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AND NOT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ANALYZE EVERYDAMNTHING!!!

I am so over it, people. I am so over everything relating to who done me wrong and in what way. I am so over living my life as how it relates to my past. I want to be here, now. I just want to enjoy this wonderful time in my life with a wonderful man in a lovely home with great friends.

I shared this in my therapy group yesterday (yes, therapy) - I shared how I am so fed up with feeling so broken. I shared that I feel crappy for STILL being in therapy after all these years. My parents divorced, my dad was not in my life, my mother expects perfection and then I married a alcoholic bi-polar fuckin' what? It's not like I'm some serial rapist or grew up in Botswana with my mother dying of AIDS and my arms being chopped off by guerrilla soldiers. I never went hungry, I always had a roof over my head and more often than not, it was really good food I was eating and really nice home I was living in.

What the hell is my problem anymore???

By now I was crying lightly and all of my fellow group members were looking at me with genuinely caring eyes. I took several deep breaths and, in a true good therapy fashion, my deepest truth came spilling from my lips, "I am so tired; I am exhausted dealing with everyone else's issues and how they relate to me. And when I think about it, I think I've dealt with most of it as much as I will ever be able to. But the thing that makes me the most angry and frustrated, is now all I see that is causing trouble or pain for me in my life (deep breath) ... is ME."

During all those years of living with, dealing with and coping with all of the other people and their influence on me, I was growing up and I became an adult who, while having gained so much knowledge and truth about the people around me, had incubated my own issues and not-so-great behaviors: I have become controlling and critical out of fear of my own inadequacies. I have become someone who doesn't trust or approve of themselves very much.

One of the group members, G, piped up, "That sounds like a statement of hope."

I looked at him crosseyed with a "what the hell?" look.

G, a longitme member of AlAnon, continued,"It sounds to me like you ARE on the upswing and not just staying down. When you've gone through everyone and everything else, all you're left with is you. That means that YOU are all you have to worry about anymore. And that is so freeing because this is where you really get to do something about it. You couldn't change those other people or situations, but you can change you."

I know that I am not a bad person, just as my parent's weren't either, but with my new life with J, hell, my new life with myself, and hopefully our children after not too long, I want to do better. There is nothing more important in my life than to live happily and healthily with my family. When I am honest with myself and I choose not to look at it as being "less," all I care about is having a happy and healthy (emotionally) family - I don't care about a career, I don't care about how big my house is, I don't even care if the children are biologically mine.

I have always been the most impressed with families who are actually a FAMILY. Not perfect, not martha stewart, not even happy all the time, but a family that laughs and cares and loves and feels good. And in order for that to happen, as far as I'm concerned, I have the most serious work to do in my life: ME.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Sorry I haven't posted in a bit..things have been hectic (and sad):
> We went to Charlotte and Asheville and a had a great time with the Sis' family, got the ring and visited Asheville's Biltmore Estate.
> Working, trying to ignore my sinus congestion & emailing like crazy about the horrible vote that has turned my alma mater, Randolph-Macon Woman's College, into a co-ed school
> On that same day, J's granmother passed away and we spent the next few days in Fort Wayne
> Then back to work, walk in the Crohn's & Colitis Walk, and in the very few moments between all this we HAD to watch the LOST season 2 DVDs!!!

Friday, September 01, 2006

oh, one other thing:

this sunday would have been the 3rd wedding anniversary with my ex if he hadn't gone/been nuts, alcoholic and mentally & emotionally abusive. just a moment here to reflect on that - especially as I am on my way to the altar for the second (LAST!) time.
it's just really weird when this person you spent so much time with and were supposed to stay with FOREVER is now so completely out of your life. i am always struck with this when i listen to Keane's song "We might as well be strangers" off their Hopes and Fears album. Hhm.


Okay, so here comes the totally unabashed girly girl in me: I LOVE jewelry, particularly the shiny, sparkly, fancy kind. When J was engagement ring shopping, he was a smart (and probably overwhelmed) guy and bought a fantastic stone and placed it in a simple prong setting with the plan that I could then go and pick out a setting. This was very clever of him because he knows that my styles and tastes run the gamut and it would be nearly impossible to know what I would want to wear on my finger for the rest of my life.

After the proposal and our wonderful vaca on Cape Cod, I set out to find the "forever" ring. Actually, I had already found it and it was still stuck in head months later so I knew there must be something to it. So we bopped over to Solomon Brothers (kind of a lame website, but great people, selection and prices) and got this ring*:

I know, I know. I am TOTALLY SPOILED.

In my defense, we had them make it in white gold instead of the trendy and over-priced platinum and if it had been offered as a single-stone ring, I would have chosen that. But it wasn't so I was forced to get this one :) The main thing that attracted me was how it has such a great mix of old and new. There's the traditional "wheat" engraving as well as the more modern prongs on the sides and the organic leafy/ribbony center prongs. And then lots of pretty little sparklies around the top! Perfect for this quirky little trad-mod lady here!

The "Yay!" part of this post is that the ring came in today and it looks even better than I imagined! Woo-hoo! Yay for pretty, sparkly, shiny things!

* hey, just in case you're wondering, the ring was made by Varna . Note: you have to get the center stone separately and then they put it in there for you.

We're off to Charlotte and Asheville this weekend to visit family and scope out the mountains as a possible wedding location. I hope everyone has a fun and safe labor day weekend and watch out for those cops!