For years now I have been in therapy off and on, starting with my parent's divorce when I was 7. And it was my parent's divorce that I was working on for much of that time until I got married and (very quickly) divorced in 2003/2004.
A lot of my "dealing with it" centered around the devastating effects of my father leaving very abruptly. There was no fighting, nothing being thrown across the room, no punches being thrown - nothing that indicated that my dad was going to leave. And while I'm sure that no matter how he could have left it would have been distressful to me, this way made me grow up with a strong sense of uncertainty in relationships.
This became evident the year I fell in love with Josh. I was on Cape Cod for the summer - we met, fell in love and moved in together between my freshman and sophomore years. Riding down the road in Hyannis in his truck one day I told him, "You know you have my heart." and as soon as those words left my mouth I was suddenly overcome with fear. I looked down to see my hands gripping the seat, as though I was trying not to fly off into space.
When I returned to college that fall, I was a wreck. Within days of my arrival, I was at the doctor's becuase I could not stop crying and feeling panicky. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and I made it (barely) through the year on Prozac and Xanax. The next summer I was back together with Josh and at first things were okay. But as time went on, I became obsessive of where Josh was, when he'd be back and how long it would take. I was driving myself nuts and I was driving Josh away (which, of course, was exactly what I was so afraid of). My emotions were so high and behavior so compulsive, it got the point where the only time I was at ease was when he was asleep!
It was only after serious therapy that I realized that I was acting this way because I was terrified that Josh would leave me one day out of the blue, just like my father did. And still, it took a LONG time to stop living with that fear. Even today I still have a really hard time remaining calm when J goes out with his friends and I want to stay home. And I KNOW he would never leave me or do me wrong - but deep-rooted fears die hard.
But that wasn't the end of my days of therapy. Then I found I had been trying to fill the void my dad left by going out with lots of guys and it took a long time to get out of that pattern as well. And of course there were all of the normal pitfalls and hard lessons learned in the meantime, though for a while there I was doing alright. I wasn't on meds and wasn't seeing a therapist. Was I making bad choices from time to time? Yes. Was I feeling just perfect? No. But I was doing fine.
Then I met C and my whole world went to shit. It was all very fast, the entire relationship, from the day we met to the date of our divorce, was only 21 months. But in that time he managed to destroy me. Granted, I was already somewhat weak, or perhaps I wouldn't have married him in the first place as I would have recognized much earlier how sick he really was. Either way, that was just (just?) 2 years ago now and I am only now (finally) feeling like I may be free of him and what he did to me.
So I've been digging and clawing at all of these past and present hurts, dealing with my parents, dealing with my lack of friends during childhood, dealing with adult love relationships and dealing with my own failed marriage and last week I hit a wall. I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING ANYMORE!! I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AND NOT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ANALYZE EVERYDAMNTHING!!!
I am so over it, people. I am so over everything relating to who done me wrong and in what way. I am so over living my life as how it relates to my past. I want to be here, now. I just want to enjoy this wonderful time in my life with a wonderful man in a lovely home with great friends.
I shared this in my therapy group yesterday (yes, therapy) - I shared how I am so fed up with feeling so broken. I shared that I feel crappy for STILL being in therapy after all these years. My parents divorced, my dad was not in my life, my mother expects perfection and then I married a alcoholic bi-polar guy...so fuckin' what? It's not like I'm some serial rapist or grew up in Botswana with my mother dying of AIDS and my arms being chopped off by guerrilla soldiers. I never went hungry, I always had a roof over my head and more often than not, it was really good food I was eating and really nice home I was living in.
What the hell is my problem anymore???
By now I was crying lightly and all of my fellow group members were looking at me with genuinely caring eyes. I took several deep breaths and, in a true good therapy fashion, my deepest truth came spilling from my lips, "I am so tired; I am exhausted dealing with everyone else's issues and how they relate to me. And when I think about it, I think I've dealt with most of it as much as I will ever be able to. But the thing that makes me the most angry and frustrated, is now all I see that is causing trouble or pain for me in my life (deep breath) ... is ME."
During all those years of living with, dealing with and coping with all of the other people and their influence on me, I was growing up and I became an adult who, while having gained so much knowledge and truth about the people around me, had incubated my own issues and not-so-great behaviors: I have become controlling and critical out of fear of my own inadequacies. I have become someone who doesn't trust or approve of themselves very much.
One of the group members, G, piped up, "That sounds like a statement of hope."
I looked at him crosseyed with a "what the hell?" look.
G, a longitme member of AlAnon, continued,"It sounds to me like you ARE on the upswing and not just staying down. When you've gone through everyone and everything else, all you're left with is you. That means that YOU are all you have to worry about anymore. And that is so freeing because this is where you really get to do something about it. You couldn't change those other people or situations, but you can change you."
I know that I am not a bad person, just as my parent's weren't either, but with my new life with J, hell, my new life with myself, and hopefully our children after not too long, I want to do better. There is nothing more important in my life than to live happily and healthily with my family. When I am honest with myself and I choose not to look at it as being "less," all I care about is having a happy and healthy (emotionally) family - I don't care about a career, I don't care about how big my house is, I don't even care if the children are biologically mine.
I have always been the most impressed with families who are actually a FAMILY. Not perfect, not martha stewart, not even happy all the time, but a family that laughs and cares and loves and feels good. And in order for that to happen, as far as I'm concerned, I have the most serious work to do in my life: ME.
2 comments:
In all honesty, I don't believe you have much you need to work on. You are being too hard on yourself. Don't overanalyze what you're doing wrong and/or what you can do to make yourself better. It will all fall into place - obviously some of it already has. You say you don't want to deal with anything and yet you're putting pressure on yourelf to become this person you think you need to be in order to feel adequate. Just stand back and appreciate the big picture and how far you've come. Maybe you think there are small things you could work on - that can be fine and healthy as long as you don't focus too much on it and become more self-critical. All these insecurities/expectations of yourself have built up over time and trying to fix or change it all at once could end up being counter-productive. Let everyday experiences, good friends and your new life with J help you create a mold that you can fit into, instead of trying to squeeze into an old one that's been taped up and sewn back together one too many times.
In all honesty, I don't believe you have much you need to work on. You are being too hard on yourself. Don't overanalyze what you're doing wrong and/or what you can do to make yourself better. It will all fall into place - obviously some of it already has. You say you don't want to deal with anything and yet you're putting pressure on yourelf to become this person you think you need to be in order to feel adequate. Just stand back and appreciate the big picture and how far you've come. Maybe you think there are small things you could work on - that can be fine and healthy as long as you don't focus too much on it and become more self-critical. All these insecurities/expectations of yourself have built up over time and trying to fix or change it all at once could end up being counter-productive. Let everyday experiences, good friends and your new life with J help you create a mold that you can fit into, instead of trying to squeeze into an old one that's been taped up and sewn back together one too many times.
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