Okay, so I suck (but not really)

...because I never finished my post about our Germany trip. I really hope and intend to finish it, but I honestly have been fairly busy, and a bit down. It's the year anniversary since last June when I lived at Grady's burn unit from June 3rd to July 6th. At this very time in my life, I was completely knocked out in a medically induced coma and on full life support. The meds that cause the coma also cause amnesia, which means that I also have absolutely no first-hand recollection of what was happening - TO ME. It's very strange. I have to rely on the accounts of other people that were there at the time, such as my husband, who is always somewhat hesitant (understandably) to tell me the whole, nitty-gritty truth.

But I want to hear it. Somehow it at least takes away the strangeness of not remembering on my own, even if it does upset me to hear the truly gory details. It also helps me to be in a place of gratitude for the fact I miraculously survived and how far I've come since then. Here's where it gets really messed up though: I REALLY just want a really good cry to get this out. I have this positive relationship with "good cries" and I usually feel a lot better after ward. Problem is, because my eyes don't produce enough tears, I can't cry. Yes, my nose gets runny and my mouth does that blubbering thing, but no tears come out. At best I produce as many tears as your eyes usually should, in their normal, every day way.

Somehow the lack of tears stops my "crying" pretty quickly. I don't know if it's because my brains gets the wrong message of "Oh, wait, there's no tears running down her cheek. I guess we're not really crying here..." OR if it's because my lack of tears always me have an added "Oh, what the F@*# people!" kick in the face and so I stop crying just because then I'm just pissed off. It's probably a combination of both. As much as it's a pain to deal with my eyes' daily dryness, somehow not getting to feel the release that comes from tears running down my face just seems especially crappy, which probably explains my slight twinge of cynicism with the following Psalm.

I have been self-teaching myself calligraphy and this week my practice text has been Psalm 116, which my Mom introduced to me several months ago when she called me up just to say, "Psalm 116!! That's YOUR Psalm!!" I chose to study it this week as a way of focusing of the grace I've been given and as a small token of thanks and praise to God (this is an incomplete version):

I love the Lord, for her heard my voice:
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,*
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted,"
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

How can I repay the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

*yeah, so maybe that part was taken a bit too literally. I know, beggars can't be choosers, but still...

Anyway, for more show-and-tell of my practice calligraphy, CLICK HERE