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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Cards

Apparently the last time I posted was last November. Mmm. In my defense, a lot has happened since then. There were the usual time-sucking events like Christmas and sleeping through the winter and then there were baby showers, baby birthing and birthdays. There was also a very sad event - the unexpected death of my (step)Dad, Holger.
In a 2 week period I received three different kinds of cards in the mail: New Baby, Birthday and Sympathy cards. Coen Clark was born Tuesday, February 24th just before 7:00 p.m. I turned 32 Wednesday, March 4th (my Mom was here and celebrated her 60th birthday on Thursday, March 5th) and Holger died late Friday, March 6th of a heart attack. He was only 48 years old. As of right now we are still waiting on the autopsy report that will hopefully explain how an otherwise healthy man was taken away from us.

Jon, Coen and I flew up to Massachusetts for the funeral service when Coen was only 2 weeks and 2 days old. During this time my FB status read: "Bittersweet on Cape Cod" and "Carrying a baby and a heavy heart home"

I am devastated by the loss of my other Dad and Coen's "Guapa" (that's what my niece Samantha calls him). Holger was SO excited about the impending arrival of Coen when he visited us just a couple weeks before. I will never forget the huge smile that came across his face when he saw my giant belly. My heart breaks over and over every time I think of my Mom now being a widow, Johannes now being fatherless, and all of the other roles that Holger filled now being unfulfilled. Over 500 people showed up for the Calling. Many of them were the kids from the current and former church youth group of which he was a leader.

But I have tried to keep myself together for the sake of Coen. I am still allowing myself to grieve, but I'm trying to do so in a way that doesn't interfere with my duties as a Mother. I'll cry, but I try not to when I'm engaging with Coen or trying to get the sleep I need. It's been strange and difficult to feel such sadness and such joy at the same time. 

One thing that has brought me comfort is that I believe Coen was "visited" the morning after Holger died. I feel that some spirit form of Holger lingered over Coen's head and gave him some sort of blessing. 

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