Message received

As my last post shows, I had a rough day this week. It was one of those days I think we all have occasionally:  you  have a mini-meltdown, deeply doubting yourself and being pathetically pouty yet genuinely forlorn. For me, this always coincides with some painfully foggy mix of not knowing which direction I should take my life in, a longing for my younger days and that a different path had been chosen if only I'd known then... and all that jazz.

For those of the Christian faith (and I'm sure other faiths, though I don't know so I won't speak to that), this is the kind of time we'll cry out to God for comfort and discernment. Or at least that's what we're SAYING, but really the words are full of thinly veiled "why me?", "where were/are You?", "why did You put me here in this life and not in Christina Hendricks' life?" "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?" undertones.

From what I can tell, many (most?) Christians often feel rather far away from God, or that God is very far away from us (the difference comes down to who left whom). It feels very "so close yet so far away" to me, like God's on the phone chatting away about Snooki and I keep getting the "in a minute" finger in response to my (probably ridiculous and pathetically whiny) "prayers." Life sucks and then you die, I guess.

But then something will happen and I pick up on the detail just before it flashes past me: God calls ME.

The response I get from God is often completely out of context and not at the time I was petitioning for attention, so it can be hard to catch, especially with our over-full lives. I used to see and hear God freely, when I was unencumbered with duties and worries beyond cleaning up my toys and choking down four (four!) lima beans before I could have cake. I would see and hear God in a blade of grass, the taste of sweet clover,  and the deeply comforting rush of "flying" on the swingset when my awkwardness yet again deprived me of friends. 

I still hate lima beans (who likes pale green chalk-flavored beans anyway?) but my God-hearing and seeing ability has been sadly diminished by my ever-growing, never-ending list of duties and worries. Ah, adulthood. 

A few years ago I made the choice to tune back in to that old, fuzzy station; to leave space in my mind and heart so that, God willing, the message will come through. It's a choice I have to re-make frequently. 

Case in point: the day after I made that last post, which in retrospect smacks of an arm-flailing tantrum of sorts, I saw this in my facebook feed, posted by my cousin: 

Having a new baby has given me some incredible emotional highs these past 7 weeks, but also some serious lows which stem from the obvious - lack of sleep, juggling care between toddler and baby, no time to myself, no sense of a routine or order. It's easy to become negative and to get easily frustrated. Today the woman who has been my life coach off and on for many years reminded me of what happens when we enter a state of resistance with her awesome weekly blog. Thank you Kathy for helping me get back into observer mode: 

The Miracle Way: Resistance

The very first sentence on this blog post reads, "My model for both coaching and manifestation has three basic parts: choose, align, receive." [emphasis added]

I didn't even have to read the rest of her post - I got what I needed in that fleeting moment before I had to run out the door to pick up my son from school. There it was, an answer to my prayer. 

I have been struggling with a strange situation: I really want to adopt a baby but I am not moving very quickly to make that possible. I have not finished the preliminary paperwork since I received it almost two months ago. I am apparently procrastinating and I really don't know why. Is it possible that I don't really want another child? Am I letting fears like "will my fatigue and fibromyalgia make me a bad mom to two kids?" stop me from moving forward?

I really don't know the answers any more now than I did before reading the post. But thank God I caught the message: "Whose path will you choose, Kate? Yours or Mine? Are you making it possible to align yourself with Me, or are you letting life get in the way?"

Those questions are good and stimulating in a positive way, but it was the last word I heard the loudest, RECEIVE. 

I am quite sure you cannot simultaneously be in control mode and receive. You know, that whole Let Go and Let God thing. It's amazing how many times I need to be reminded of that, but I am grateful to find it is always still true. 

I'll sign off by sharing what I "heard" later that day as I continued to think about those words, choose, align and receive, was this, "Don't worry about whether or not God is listening, just make sure you are."

Goodnight